what it’s like….
I really don’t mean to be a bother but I know that I am. I’m making a fool of myself once again thinking that someone could seriously love and understand me. All my life, something has been eating away at my mind. Keeping me from being able to feel whole. I think the worst thing is that no one actually gets it or they just don’t care to. It feels like I am drowning under the water and everyone else above surface can not see or hear me because I am in so deep. All I know is, I don’t want to feel like this anymore. It’s a waking nightmare. I’m not so much split as I am shattered. I can’t continue to let myself sink deeper and deeper into this unhealthy state of being. But, I literally can not escape it on my own. I need you here with me by my side no matter what. I’m trapped by the four corners of my mind. A million different voices speak to me and claw away at me while I sit there wishing it would end. I used to think that I was only affected by the disease but I am afraid to say that I am now the disease. The demon that I thought was chasing me all of my life was and is ME. Oh the line between I’ve been trying to keep my balance but I get drug right back down. It’s the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I would much rather have common anxiety issues. This goes a lot further than that… I feel hopeless and lost. I want to start over and rebuild so bad. I just hope it’s not too late to fill the void. I know it’s difficult for you but imagine being me…… Imagine being in a crowded public place that makes you feel like you are fighting in a war.. Chaos consuming your mind. Literally hearing everything. Every sound, every voice, etc all firing off a one time with no rest period. Or when someone looks at you, you automatically feel like they are reading your mind or injecting thoughts into your mind. Paranoid that everyone is plotting and scheming against you. Imagine having no border between your own thoughts and the thoughts of others. This is my life every single day. I have lived my whole life in constant fear. These hallucinations and delusions that I experience bring me great distress and confusion. I feel everything so personally. There is a fine line between clarity and insanity. Have I crossed that line?… I feel as if I am living in a realm of madness. Every bit of debris swirling around me in a constant motion. Please stop. I need to breathe.